2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule-Charlotte, N.C.
J.R. | August 23, 2012
12:00 p.m.: WELCOME LUNCH with Michelle Obama (Arugula, Alfalfa Sprout & Guilt Salad). Castro Cafeteria.
12:30 p.m.: Workout Session â€” hosted by Michelle Obama. The Peopleâ€™s Gymnasium.
4:00 p.m.: Opening Flag Burning Ceremony â€“ led by William Ayers (sponsored by CNN). Che Guevera Ballroom.
4:05 p.m.: Singing of â€œGod Damn Americaâ€ â€” led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright. By satellite from Trinity United Church of Christ.
4:10 p.m.: Pledge of Allegiance to Obama. Open to the public.
4:15 p.m.: Ceremonial â€œI hate America,â€ led by Michelle Obama. Open to the public.
4:30 p.m.: Tips on â€œHow to Keep Your Man Trustworthy & True to You While You Travel the Worldâ€ â€“ Hillary Clinton. Hammer & Sickle Hall.
4:45 p.m.: Panel Discussion â€” â€œHow to Have a Successful Career Without Having a Jobâ€ â€” Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson. Newton-Seale Conference Room (colored only).
5:00 p.m.: Speech â€” â€œHow I created Global Warming & the Internetâ€ â€” Former Vice President Al Gore. Lenin/Stalin Ballroom.
5:30 p.m.: Seminar â€” â€œFamily Values & Youâ€ â€“ Eliot Spitzer. Open to the public.
5:32 p.m.: Video â€“ A Tribute to All 57 States â€“ Presented by Rep. Hank Johnson, author of â€œGuam: The Coming Capsizeâ€. Unicorn Library.
5:45 p.m.: Instruction â€“ â€How to Avoid Answering Pesky Questions Relating to Policies, Both Foreign and Domesticâ€ â€“ Jay Carney. Union Hall.
6:00 p.m.: Keynote Speech by Sen. Harry Reid â€” Topic: An expression of the Democratsâ€™ appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement and of George Soros for sparing no expense in helping to unify the country, improving employment, and boosting the economy. Nazi Auditorium.
9:00 p.m.: Panel Discussion â€” â€Žâ€Straight Down the Memory Hole: How to Buy Your Own National Propaganda Team and Apply the Lessons of George Orwell to Your Political Objectivesâ€ with Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and George Stephanopholous. Ministry of Love.
9:15 p.m.: Movie Premiere â€” â€œCaged By a Tyrant: A Documentary About Brave Freedom Fighters Wrongly Incarcerated at GITMO,â€ presented by director Michael Moore. Goebbels Theatre.
9:45 p.m.: Symposium â€“ â€Žâ€If I Had A Son: Communicating Your Intent Without Drawing Attention to a Specific Agendaâ€â€“ Chuck Schumer. Tax & Chains Meeting Room
10:00 p.m.: Speech â€” â€œBitter Gun Owners, Bible Readers & Racial Cowards.â€ â€” Attorney General Eric Holder. Castro Cafeteria.
10:30 p.m.: Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afghanistan â€“ GreenPeace. Open to the public.
11:00 p.m.: Demonstration and How-To Clinic â€“ â€Žâ€Shooting for Distance and Accuracy in Pakistan: An Exhibition in Nighttime Desert Marksmanshipâ€ â€“ presented by President Barack Obama, Commander-in-Chief and expert nighttime desert marksman. Via satellite from Mosque Construction Site at Ground Zero.
11:15 p.m.: Rally â€“ Free Gov. Blagojevich Rally. Outside in the Main Quad; open to the public.
11:30 p.m.: Award Presentation â€” President Barack Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony, & Latin Grammy Awards. Via satellite from Mosque Construction Site at Ground Zero
11:45 p.m.: Public Reading (teleprompter) by Robert Gibbs â€“ â€œObamaâ€™s Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish.â€ 1968 Convention Center.
12:00 a.m.: Formal Presentation of all of Barack Obamaâ€™s Sealed Files â€” supervised by the Communist Central Committee, The Weather Underground, The New Black Panthers, & ACORN
12:04 a.m.: 21-Puff Salute â€” presented by Choom Gang Alumni
12:05 a.m.: Official Nomination of Barack Obama â€” presented by Bill Maher
12:06 a.m.: Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:10 a.m.: Performance â€” Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 a.m.: Speech â€” â€œIâ€™m Veep? Thatâ€™s a Big Fucking Dealâ€ â€” Vice President Joe Biden. Chuck E. Cheese, Reston, VA
â– â€œGreat Vacations Iâ€™ve Taken on the Taxpayerâ€™s Dimeâ€ â€” A Retrospective from First Lady Michelle Obama
â– Prairie Fire: The Politics of Revolutionary Anti-Imperialism â€“ A Manifesto, The Weather Underground
â– Rules for Radicals â€“ by Saul Alinsky
â– â€œBias in Media: How We Can Make it Work for Youâ€ â€“ articles by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
â– â€œPersonal Finance: A Guideâ€ â€” Rep. Charlie Rangel
â– â€œThe Obama Energy Plan: You Too Can Get Rich with Green Investment Bankruptciesâ€ â€” by Energy Secretary Steven Chu and President Barack Obama
â– â€œControlling the Thrills in Your Legâ€ â€“ MSNBCâ€™s Chris Matthews
â– â€œCleaning Troublesome Spots in Your Soiled Linens: A Practical How-Toâ€ â€“ by Monica Lewinsky
â– â€œDiversionary Tactics: How to Manufacture Socially-Charged and Divisive Issues to Deflect Attention Garnered as a Result of Your Own Blatant Hypocrisyâ€ â€“ by Nancy Pelosi
â– â€œHealthcare, the IRS, Third-Party Contracts, and You: A Conversation on the Individual Mandate as a Tax. I Mean Penalty. Wait, yes, Tax. No, Tax Penalty. Oh, it Works as a Tax? Okay, Tax. (But itâ€™s Not Really a Tax).â€ â€” By Donald Verrilli, co-written by Justice John Roberts
â– â€œMining Your DNA for Real Nuggetsâ€ â€“ by Elizabeth Warren
â– â€œChasing Storks: Championing the Homosexual Family Unit While Pushing Cost-Saving Population Control Measures Under the Guise of â€˜Womenâ€™s Rightsâ€™â€ â€“ by HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius
â– â€œDigging Moats, Training Alligators, and Looking the Other Wayâ€ â€” by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano, author of Discerning the Enemy Within
â– â€Žâ€Twitters, Tiger Suits, & Tickle Fights: How to Reach Your Inner Pervert in a Surveillance Societyâ€ â€” by Anthony Weiner, David Wu, and Eric Massa
â– â€œCommunicating Simple Ideas in 2,500 pages or Moreâ€ â€“ by The Apollo Project
â– â€œPreventing Full-Body Scanners from Showing Who You Really Areâ€ â€“ by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano
NOTES FOR CONVENTION ATTENDEES:
â– Illegal, drug-dealing Mexican attendees are welcome to ATF gift bags, available at the South Entrance to the ballroom.
â– FDA and ObamaCare offices will be relocated to Monsanto headquarters
â– Agenda available in Spanish by going to iwantcitizenshipwithoutthepaperwork.dnc.gov
â– Mandatory car service accommodations will be provided to all party goers by Chappaquiddick Limousine Company in conjunction with the release of the special edition 45th Anniversary 1967 vintage model replica Oldsmobile Delmont. This Limousine comes fully-equipped with factory-mandated anti-sink flotation tires with hovercraft capabilities. The Breathalyzer car starter was removed for authenticity. The vehicle will be immediately retired following the ceremony and used exclusively to transport illegal aliens back and forth from Cuba to Miami. A moment of silence will be observed for the late senator, but not victim MJK.
â– Nobel Peace Prize will arrive via magic carpet parade, led by honorary grand marshalls Paul Bunyan and the Loch Ness Monster. Presented by the Tooth Fairy.
Note: Some of this material has been thought up by editors Jeff Schreiber, John Feeny, and a twistedly patriotic bunch of John Feenyâ€™s Facebook friends. Other portions of the material, specifically the base material within the Agenda itself, has been circulating the Web but nonetheless had some personal touches added by those of us at Americaâ€™s Right â€” so we really cannot take full credit. No, we did not build this.
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