RSSThe GITMO Dog and Pony Show: A Day in Obamaland
Gene Lalor | May 29, 2009
This is an incomplete transcript of a conversation recorded in the Oval Office. It cannot be termed an official transcript since the recording device was somehow secreted under the carpet in the wee hours of January 19th, 2009 by a person who shall remain unidentified. As can best be determined, the participants were President Obama, (BHO), Attorney General Eric Holder, (EH), Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, (NP), and DHS Secretary, Janet Napolitano, (JN). A staff member suggested it be called, “A Day in Obamaland.” We report, you decide.
BHO: 
So, what do we do now, bro?
EH: 
I dunno, man. I told ya this was gonna cause problems. We could send them out to Murtha’s district or maybe San Quentin, Sing Sing? I just dunno. If . . .
NP: 
I want to say again, I was never told about that waterboarding and I refuse to discuss it any further.
BHO: Umm, Madame Speaker, that’s old news and we weren’t talking about waterboarding, anyway.
NP: Oh, we weren’t? I thought since the topic was that despicable place, Guantanamera, that . .
EH: Nancy, it’s Guantanamo, but can we just get on with this?
NP: Oh, well, if that’s how I’m to be treated, I won’t say another word!
BHO/EH/JN (in unison): Good!
JN: 
Mr. President, I simply don’t understand the problem. We’re only talking about people the Bushies said were bad guys but none of them have ever been convicted in a court of law. For all we know, they could be fine upstanding citizens of their various countries. Legally, we have no right to be holding them at all . . .
EH: I handle legalities, remember, Jan?
JN: Now there’s no need to be snotty, Mister Attorney General! I just thought I could interject my two cents and besides, those Right-to-Lifers and those returning vets pose a much greater threat than some alleged terrorists. I’ll have you know, those vets know quite a good bit about guns and some have actually shot and killed people.
BHO: It’s called a war, Madame Secretary.
JN: I know, but still . . .
(Knock on the Oval Office door; unknown female voice is heard.)
Unknown: I’m very sorry to interrupt, Mr. President, but Vice President Biden is still waiting. He’s been here all morning. He asked if he could come in.
BHO: Tell him, umm, ah, tell him I’m trying to fix my teleprompter.
Unknown: Sir?
BHO: He’ll get the point.
Unknown: Yes, sir, I’ll tell him.
(Muffled voice, apparently saying “I’ll be good,” then sound of door closing, gently)
BHO: Ok, people, time’s a wastin’. And, Eric, we all know Murtha shoots his mouth off and if we dumped terrorists, (sorry, Janet, suspected terrorists), on his doorstep, he’ll scream bloody murder that his district is being dumped on. He’s gonna have a hard enough time fooling those people again and getting re-elected.
EH: Good point, Barry, oops, Mr. President. And we prefer to call them “detainees.” Did you hear Mueller said it would be risky if we shipped, er, relocated any of them stateside?
BHO: I did hear that and you said there would be no risk. Now, how do you know that?
EH: Look, Barack . . .
BHO: Call me, “Mr. President,” ok, Eric?
EH: Yes, sir, Mr. President, but as I was trying to say, I know terrorists, remember, those guys in New York, the FALN guys, the Puerto Ricans? I got Bubba to grant them clemency so I will tell you, I know terrorists and . . .
BHO: You just said they were to be called detainees, and that would be former President Clinton, not “Bubba.”
EH: Ok, no problemo, But, no, the PR’s. Now, they were real terrorists, guilty as sin.
BHO: Right, again, great work on that but since we seem to have strayed into nomenclature, Sonia wouldn’t like to be called a PR. In fact, she prefers “Latina” and we don’t wanna ruffle any Latina feathers now that they’re in the bag, right?
JN: Well, if everyone insists on ignoring the danger of people who had deadly guns in their hands, I think we should send all those, un-accused and unconvicted, men from Guantanamo to European prisons. They were all complaining over there about GITMO, anyway, so why not send them there?
EH: Janet, where have you been the last five minutes? Sheesh! Because Europe wants no part of them.
JN: Well, then they’re all a bunch of hypocrites! And what do you mean, Where have I been? I’ve been sitting right here!
(Sound of phone ringing)
BHO: Yes! . . . She’s always bitching over one thing or another. . . Tell her to just keep traveling, and, oh, yeah, tell her to watch out for sniper attacks. (Laughs) . . . Guess who that was? (Laughter) She wants to keep aggravating me, probably hoping I have a heart attack. Or maybe a Wanda kidney failure, like Limbaugh! (Riotous laughter)
NP: I know I don’t know anything, Mr. President . . .
EH: I thought you said you wouldn’t say another word?
NP: Hmmmph. I have to say this. Mr. President, I think it’s just rude how you treat and talk about Mrs. Clinton. You wouldn’t treat a man that way! And, by the way, what’s Judge Sotomayor’s position on abortion?
BHO (laughing): The prone position.
NP: Oh. . . Wait, excuse me?
BHO: Skip it. Lame joke.
EH: It’s over your head.
JN: I have no clue what you’re talking about, Eric. If that’s a slap at me for not having married and not having children, then I resent the implication!
EH: No one is suggesting you’re a lesbo, Janet, but are you? If so, as Seinfeld said, Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
(Sounds of male laughter)
JN: My sexual preferences are none of your business. And while we’re on the topic of Sotomayor, why the hell didn’t I get that nomination, Mr. President? Sorry, that just popped into my head, I had to ask. It had to be said, so shoot me.
BHO: Don’t tempt me, Madame Speaker. That wasn’t the topic but since you asked, we just didn’t like you, okay?
(Sounds of a gasp, weeping, shuffling of a chair, door opening and closing)
BHO and EH in unison: Bye, Madame Secretary.
EH: And then there were three.
NP: Well, I never! But, on the same topic, maybe I could get the next SCOTUS nom? I’m not a lez. I have a bunch of kids. And my ass is grass as Speaker now.
EH: Now, that’s one repulsive image, Nancy!
BHO: Nance, you have as much chance of my picking you for the Supremes as you have singing for the Supremes.
(More male laughter, more chair shuffling, door opening and slamming)
EH: And then there were two.
(Sound of door opening)
NP: And next time you want me to cover your ass with my queers in the 8th, forget about it!
(Sound of another slam)
BHO (snickering): Adios, muchacha. Ok, now that she’s gone, seriously, we have to make a decision here. On GITMO.
EH: Why not call Bill Ayers? Or Reverend Wright for their thinking? You always listened to them before.
BHO: Nah, Bill is on a book tour or something and I told him to lay low for a few months. Jeremiah, well, he’s Jeremiah. He’s done me the favor of keeping his mouth shut lately so I don’t wanna bother him. Besides, someone like Limbaugh or Hannity or Savage will smell it out somehow if I contact them.
EH: True, the bastards. . . But we’re back to square one. No one wants these guys near them on our soil, the Europeans feel they’re lepers, . . . maybe . . .
BHO: Maybe don’t close GITMO?
EH: That would be your call, Mr. President, but you did swear over and over that you’d close the place.
BHO: True again, but I’ve broken so many promises already, would anyone really notice, or care? I’ve said a lotta stuff and I’m between that rock and that hard place. Even a messiah can change his mind, right?
(Laughter)
BHO: We’ll stall around for a while, change the name to Guantanamera, and in six months it’ll all blow over.
EH: Excellent, idea, Mr. President. “Guantanamera” is a great old song and it has nothing to do with Guantanamo. Kingston Trio, I think . . .
(The rest of the tape is garbled with sounds of singing something like the Hebrew song of rejoicing,”Hava Nagila.” Then it goes blank. BHO or EH may have been dancing and stepped on the recording device.)
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