A Hooters Girl In Every Bed

Carolyn Hileman - The Voice* | May 24, 2008

A Hooters Girl In Every Bed
By: J.J. Jackson

My fellow Americans, I come before you today to humbly ask for your vote
this November at a pivotal time in America. We can no longer ignore the
pressing issues facing our country and that is why it is imperative that
you consider the future of this great nation.

Now I understand that simply asking for your vote is not enough. Nor
would I expect you to vote for me because I have simply asked you to. I
could no more accept a vote from you based upon such a shallow request
than you would be willing to give it. That is why I am fully prepared to
discuss with you, here and now, the cornerstone of my platform.

Fellow patriots I propose a bold platform with but only one plank. But
it is a plank so strong and so quintessentially American that I believe
you will see its wisdom and its simplicity. It is a platform of hope. It
is platform of change. It is a platform designed to better the lot of
the many of Americans.

But surely I could go on for hours discussing the greatness of this
platform. I could focus on how much hope and how much change it will
bring. I could even provide you with facts and figures about exactly how
the lives of many Americans would indeed be bettered by my proposal. But
the hope and change is so self-evident that it does not need such long
discussions.

The hope and change and the betterment that would come from this plan is
beyond question.

Ah, I see by the look in your eyes that you do not believe me. You doubt
the hope I promise. You doubt the change I guarantee. You doubt that the
lives of countless Americans will be made better by this proposal. But
how can you? How can you doubt that the hope and change along with the
betterment I promise is real?

I will not question your motives for doubting in the hope that I bring
for there has been so little hope as of late. I will not look down upon
you because you doubt the change that I place before you because I
understand that there has been little change ever accomplished in
Washington over the past years despite similar promises. But we must not
let go of our hope or our desire for change even though there has been
so little of either.

And now I am ready to tell you about the hope and the change and the
betterment of your lives that will come from my proposals. You may doubt
that I indeed bring such lofty ideals as hope, as change, as a chance to
better your lot in life. But I guarantee you that such hope and change
and better standard of living are indeed real despite what my detractors
have claimed and will continue to claim.

They stand against change. They stand against hope. They don’t want you
to better yourself. But I want all those things for you and will bring
you all of them with one simple proposal. In fact, I am confident that
immediately upon its implementation hope will be restored based on the
change it brings that I will now discuss it with you in all of its
glorious simplicity.

My fellow Americans, my fellow patriots, my fellow hopeless, change
desiring citizens, I boldly propose to you the hope and change that can
only come from promising that upon my election I will quickly move to
institute a new federal program with but one goal. That goal shall be,
for all men, a Hooters Girl in every bed.

From sea to shining sea all men will have assigned to them their very
own Hooters Girl complete with white tank top and tight orange short
shorts. Yes, I bring to you the hope that can only come from spending
each night with a buxom babe. I bring to you the change from what you
are currently sleeping beside – a nagging wife who has let herself go
and doesn’t understand your wants and needs. I bring to you the
immediate betterment of your situation that can only come from walking
down the sidewalk with a hottie on your arm.

Now, I see the look of distaste and dissatisfaction from many of you
women in the audience. I have not forgotten about you and shame on you
for thinking otherwise. My promise for hope and change extends to you as
well. For you, my chesty Americans, I promise you a Chippendale’s Dancer
in you bed with rock hard abs and arms that could lift a small Toyota in
a single heave.

Yes, this hope and change will be for all of you. Of course it is
obvious that at this time there are not enough Hooters Girls or
Chippendale’s Dancers to assign one to each American and bring them this
hope and change immediately. And it certainly would not be fair for some
Americans to get the benefit of this program before others. So, to
compensate you all for the time being and until there are enough Hooters
Girls and Chippendale’s Dancers for each of you, all men will receive a
free order of wings from Hooters and all women will receive one free
visit to Chippendale’s every week until such time as the breeding
program we will institute to meet the newly created demand for Hooters
Girls and Chippendale’s Dancers completes its assigned task and there is
a Chippendale’s Dancer and Hooters girl in every bed.

Of course, some people will have to sacrifice. All existing Chippendale’
Dancers and Hooters Girls will have to rounded up and placed in special
homes where they will be forced to selectively breed enough future
generations of their kind to meet the demand my platform has promised.
Also, we will begin a national search for women who are qualified to be
Hooters Girls and men that are qualified to he Chippendale’s dancers but
are not currently so employed. These Americans will be asked to
sacrifice for the benefit of the whole. But that is a small sacrifice
that I believe these few should gladly make in exchange for bringing
hope and change to the many.

And I ask for your patience while the breeding of enough Hooters girls
and Chippendale’s Dancers to supply the demand takes place. It will be
some 18 years before their offspring will begin to be old enough to take
part in this program and it appears that it will be a good thirty years
before enough are produced via this government program to begin placing
them so that no one gets the benefit of this plan before everyone else.

I warn you of this so that in four years, at the end of my first term,
you do not come asking me where your personal Hooters Girl or
Chippendale’s Dancer is. Do not doubt that the change and hope is on the
way. And I will fully expect your vote again in four more years so that
I may continue to make sure that this hope and change that I have
promised will be delivered to you as promised.

But alas I can serve only but two terms. If for some reason, after my
second term, Congress or a future President should stop this program or
scale it back, do not hold me responsible if in 30 years you still do
not have your own Hooters Girl or Chippendale’s Dancer in your bed which
I have promised you and you are still hopeless and the promised change
has not occurred. It is not my fault. I only promised that I would bring
you both hope and change and I will have been true to my promise. But if
you do not keep that belief in my desire for hope and change alive, then
you cannot hold me accountable.

So, in conclusion, a vote for me is a vote for hope; a vote for me is a
vote for change. And if you want hope, and if you want change, and if
you want to better your lot in life down the road, maybe if things work
out and the Hooters Girls and Chippendales Dancers we have sent off to
concentration camps do not revolt and overthrow the government, and you
continue to desire that hope and change, then vote for me. Because I’m
the man that can put a Hooters Girl in every bed.

And if you doubt me, then you must be a racist, sexist, un-American
bigot standing up against hope and standing up against change for those
Americans that have none. Good night.

=====================================
J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author who has been writing
and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of
the Free Studios, Inc. He is the lead editor of Conservative News &
Opinion – The Land of the Free and also the owner of The Right Things –
Conservative T-shirts & Gifts (http://www.cafepress.com/rightthings).
His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else
can be found at http://www.libertyreborn.com

Contributor's website: http://thevoice.name

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