*There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Fred Thompson’s right hand and Fred Thompson’s left hand.

*The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Fred Thompson in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Fred Thompson and lives.

*Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Fred Thompson needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

*On Fred Thompson’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

*Fred Thompson never retreats; he just attacks in the opposite direction.

*Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Fred Thompson’s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheel chair.

*Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Fred Thompson sees the glass as a deadly weapon.

*When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Fred Thompson, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

*When bad things happen to good people, it’s probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Fred Thompson.

*There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Fred Thompson, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Fred Thompson is coming for them.

*Once, someone tried to tell Fred Thompson a “knock knock” joke. Fred Thompson found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

*Withholding information from Fred Thompson is now classified as a suicide attempt.