Swann Starts Stumping

J.J. Jackson* | January 5, 2006

“A lot of people are saying no incumbent governor (in Pennsylvania) has ever lost a race. Well, I dare say, no incumbent governor has been as bad as Ed Rendell,” Lynn Swann (Pittsburgh Tribune Review)

The story then continues “Efforts to reach Rendell’s press office for comment last night were not successful.”

Well DUH! Fast Eddie was hiding under his desk with his phone pressed tightly to his ear crying to Howard Dean for help! In an exclusive, we’ve obtained the transcript of that phone call.

Fast Eddie: sniff Howard, HELP! There is a black man trying to take my job!
The Scream: Fast Eddie calm down will ya? What’s the matter?
Fast Eddie: You gotta help me Howard! Lynn Swann is saying mean things about me and has declared he is going to seek the GOP nomination to run against me. What should I do?
The Scream: A black man running for the GOP nomination you say? No, no, you must be mistaken. There is no such beast. Why the Republicans couldn’t get black people in a room unless they called in the wait staff.
Fast Eddie: No Howard its true. I’ve seen pictures of him. He’s black as the day is long! How could you guys at the DNC let this happen?
The Scream: Settle down Fast Ed. There must be some mistake here. I’m calling up our official database now … hmmm…
Fast Eddie: What? What is it?
The Scream: Well, Ed, our records show that yes, indeed Lynn Swann is black and he is definitely off the reservation. Our files indicate him as AWOL from the DNC.
Fast Eddie: Well, what should I do?
The Scream: I’m looking …. hmmm … our records indicate that all of our recent tactics to discredit Black Republicans and conservatives are not being effective. We’ve tried calling them “Uncle Toms” and throwing Oreo cookies at them and we have even tried to place asterisks next to their name …
Fast Eddie: So, what should I do? The press is calling asking for a statement!
The Scream: Well, we’ll have to get back to you on that one. In the mean time you could always just scream like this - RAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHR … look how well it worked for me!

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